On Loving Oneself

This essay is meant to be philosophical and reflective.

This week, two separate people suggested I might want to, "love myself" more. I spent time reflecting upon why this sentiment feels strange to me. Intuitively, I understand and agree that showing oneself care, kindness, and compassion is useful. We should strive to become people we respect and value. Simultaneously, the same statement can be used as an insult: this person really loves themself; narcissism, presumably to the detriment or expense of caring for others. So it feels to be the case that either love is a spectrum and there's such a thing as too much, or that there are different ways to love oneself and thus the phrase may benefit from refinement and clarification. A part of me genuinely wonders whether we should be aspiring to love ourselves. I experience it in much the same way I experience the world "selfishness" -- a quality that seems necessary to exist at a sensitive balance. I wonder if there is a (or what may be the) relationship between love and selfishness.

Needless to say, I brought up my frustration about the accuracy of this phrase and Anvita Pandit replied that these people were probably right in their review, so I am inspired to treat the claim seriously and also invest time into arriving at an understanding what it may mean for one to productively love oneself.

In what case might we tell someone they need to be more selfish? The simplified answer is often that someone is consistently making decisions that result in them giving more than they can take: importantly, to their own detriment. There are plenty of people who can give more than they take, and have an excess to give. The case where one may be told to be more selfish is when our friends realize that we're giving more than we're sustainably able to give and this poses a threat to either the comfort of the person's friends or the person.

This is an interesting lens to view love. Maybe it suggests that when one says, "love yourself more", perhaps they do so because it's their experience that they love who you are more than they feel you are loving yourself. If this is others' experience with the phrase as well, this is very kind and the thought fills me with warmth. Receiving validation from people we care about that we are worthy of more love than we are showing ourselves is a powerful sentiment and -- itself -- is an important showing of care for and validation of who we are.

I'm just not convinced that this discrepancy is a bad thing that needs remedy. I think it's important for one to show oneself love: to defend one's values, to lookout for one's health, well-being and happiness, to practice self care and understand one's needs, and to not put oneself down or diminish one's own self worth. But I'm not so sure that one should feel obligated to love themselves more than they do, or as much as others might love us. One doesn't have to love ice cream, even if others do. But maybe one shouldn't throw out ice cream just because they don't like it -- someone else might enjoy it! And that someone may have things to offer that make us feel loved, whole, and appreciated in ways that we may not be able to achieve in the same way ourselves.

My gut tells me that people may experience life differently, experience happiness as a result of different events. Some people see happiness as surfing all day, some people search for moral imperatives, some people relish in community. These interests are not mutually exclusive (see: https://mek.fyi/essays/politics/kicking-the-bucket) and instead exist as a gradient; a complicated linear combination. But the point, which I presently believe is material, is that the combination matters. We're all different and our views of happiness don't necessary all come (in the same dose) from how we see ourselves as a person. There are plenty of people who believe in anattā, the tenant of Buddhism that there is no self. For those who embrace this perspective, it seems valid to me that one may not feel strongly about the requirement of loving oneself, in particular.

I think it's alright to not love things about ourselves, even when others like them. It's one of the things that might drive one to grow. Yesterday a friend and I were talking about "fun facts" about ourselves. I was able to come up with a long list of things that I think society may find interesting about me. Has done handstand clap pushups, climbed v11, started some company. I don't know that I feel pride for these things. This is one of the contexts in which the friend told me I may wish to love myself more. I'm not sure I want to take more pride in these things. What I do value is spending time with people. I value staying healthy and not feeling overwhelmed. This results in me going to the climbing gym obsessively and becoming someone who society sees as a good climber; it's just not the outcome I take most pride in or necessarily want to take more pride in.

I think one thing I may struggle with is that the world around me has specific expectations that I don't necessarily share. What is beauty, what is intelligence, what is love, what is happiness, what is morality/ethics/fairness/equitability. I think one can be someone who shows themselves self-care, likes aspects of who they are, and doesn't necessarily feel any special love the type of person other people seem as. If someone thinks I'm a great musician and I don't feel I'm a great musician, I may feel happy to be seen by a friend as a musician, but I don't know that I want to change how I feel about myself: I want to feel at peace with my standards for myself and have a healthy relationship with music, and also not delude myself into believing or feeling something that doesn't feel authentic. 

I look into the mirror and I see someone who I respect, someone who I know is trying really hard, who is trying to have principles and values and lives them. I see someone who cares about others and makes an effort to be kind. Someone who questions convention, shares liberally with others, advocates for those who weren't born into fortune. These are the qualities I respect in others, and they are values I love in myself. I am someone who loves deeply, and feels very loved by my friends. I just don't feel a need to love everything about myself. The love one might show themself is fundamentally different than the love and care we might receive from others. Yes, it's important to take care of and look out for ourselves, show ourselves compassion and forgiveness, and validate our self-worth. But I think it's okay that we annoy ourselves or disappoint ourselves, just as someone else might annoy or disappoint us. I feel good about being me, I feel energized by showing up and being valued by those around me, and I'm grateful to all of you for the love I feel that keeps me going. I just can't imagine a happy life where the only live I experience is from myself, whereas I relish in the idea of life with loving friends and peace with the fact that others may love me more than I might love myself.

For anyone who has suggested I can do more to love myself, I feel genuinely warmed by your care, happy to have had this chance to reflect, and excited to hear your thoughts and refine my own.